you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
