i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
