you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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