I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
