if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
is that a dick in a sweater?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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