smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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