My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
