I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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