Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
