woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
