my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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