I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
