My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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