If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
