At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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