I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize