I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
