Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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