I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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