This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just tell him i said nine months
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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