Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
