My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
