It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
