dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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