I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
