Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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