I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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