i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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