the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
