Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if only i could text you this smell
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
