I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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