Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
