I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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