Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
