I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
