I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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