toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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