the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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