I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
