i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
