i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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