I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize