I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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