dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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