I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize