me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize