remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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