I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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