Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We talked him into tasing himself.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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