My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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