someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
