Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
