I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
