I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
