my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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