Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
