don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
