You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
