I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
