I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
