my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
