dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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